a. lack of honesty
b. it is easier to remain silent (passive code of silence)
c. no one loves enough to tell the truth
d. fear of conflict prevents us from saying anything
e. to preserve a false sense of peace
f. some people prefer to thrive on gossips
While I maybe frank, I learned that it is ‘not a license to say anything I want’. I feel I am guilty at times when my frankness is becoming an equivalent of rudeness. This is probably because the accompanying emotion is anger, irritation, or frustration.
With an intention filled with love, and with a loving tone, saying the truth, I learned, will not be that hurting at all. Perhaps this must be the ingredient for people around us to accept openly what we have to say even if it hurts. Like what I used to say before to Daryl when he was little, “Do you know why the food I cooked tastes great? It has a special ingredient called love.” If the food can have that ingredient, then saying the truth lovingly will also be good to the taste of those people we are trying to correct.
Wrong intentions smear the purpose of rectifying mistakes or resolving issues. I know somebody who always has to say things out of her intention to hurt but have no capacity to really resolve issues within the circle. She has this trait of deriding others to make it appear she is always the best. She easily finds fault but is at a loss when confronted, or denies anything that she had deliberately done.
Actually it is not an easy task to care enough to say anything about an issue with our loved ones or with those people we care about. But who would refute the fact that glossing over a problem or an issue will create more problems? Is the problem resolved when we just ‘smoothed the ruffled feathers’?
I love my kids and my husband enough to tell them the truth even if it hurts. Honesty keeps us closer, I believe. As I am always telling them, “I don’t love you if I don’t tell you what’s wrong. That is not the kind of love I give – to let you say and do what is wrong.”
*Rick Warren, Chapter 19, The Purpose Driven Life, p. 145
i've always believed that telling the truth is the way to go. but, because of cultural considerations, we are sometimes compelled to bite our tongue. sad.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it is very difficult for a child (even to adults)to understand that we are doing such things because we love them.
ReplyDeleteTried telling the truth (out of concern, love and respect) to an Aunt before. She got so mad she's not talking to me now. All relatives were surprised at her reaction. It was an overkill. My conclusion: sometimes it pays to just remain silent and avoid unnecessary conflict. To each his own.
ReplyDeleteSome people will not take it kindly when confronted with the truth. I agree with niko that it pays to be silent sometimes...
ReplyDeletethank u for the post. there was something that was bothering me about my gf and i didn't know if i should tell her or not.
ReplyDeleteim taking ur post as a sign. because if u love them enough them you'd tell them.
there are times when you have to shut up... privilege doctrine... that's what we nurses call it...
ReplyDeleteLike you, im frank also, i'll tell you honestly whether negative or positive just to show you that i care but in a nice way.
ReplyDeletehey, slim! so glad you're back. your return post made me and my son laugh. about this post: not really easy to be talking freely to other people about some truth but with our loved ones and those we care about, i believe to always tell them about how you feel and to talk based on the truth will help strengthen the ties.
ReplyDeleteann, there will always be negative responses, pero sa una lang naman yun, maiintindihan din ng mga bata yun. wag lang sigurong i-overdo.
nico, how close were you to your aunt before? there must be a reason why she reacted that way.
i believe that everybody will be pained hearing the truth, single. but for me, it is such a burden not to resolve an issue. it seems to me at times that it is my responsibility that someone i care about continue being the nasty.
hey, will. am glad you'd considered this a sign. i hope this, "Bing's strategy", as bugsy say, will help make your love for each other flourish. be gentle though.
priviledged doctrine? and what is it all about, monmon?
that's good, mmylei. what hurts is the negative remarks one might receive. but there is always a way to say those words, as you said, in a nice way.
For me, it's reason d. (fear of conflict prevents us from saying anything) that makes me keep quiet. I think it's easier to be honest with your spouse and children. But when it comes to other members of the family and friends, one has to consider how the other party will react.
ReplyDeleteEven truthful words hurt they say. Confronting someone goes beyond the simple fact of telling truth. Even if the offender knows he is wrong, he can always retort with the argument of two-facedness or hypocrisy to the confronter as someone trying to be holier-than-thou, moralizing when he himself isnt perfect.. If its tough to confront our grown up kids, how much more other people. The respect factor is definitely a big issue in this situation.
ReplyDeleteLike what you've written, others misunderstand things that one says. Some people may find my honesty to be hurting which I am unconscious of. Perhaps it's the way I say it. But I never retract anything I feel is true. However, I'm also quick to say sorry if I feel that I'm in the wrong.
ReplyDeleteSometimes relationships sour because I'm too honest with the way I see things of which others aren't ready to accept. I leave them be. I hate to sugar coat things just to be accepted. I'd better be alone in believing the truth than be in a crowd full of pretense.
Thanks for this post bing, it's a big help for some of us taken as blunt when are trying to put across truth.
hi, irene. this is about being honest with what you think and feel with your spouse and kids, and even close family members, or close friends who are like family. if they are not close to you, they would treat it as negative, i bet.
ReplyDeletebw. exactly my point. being honest with them (family and close friends) will gain respect. but you pointed out something about hypocrisy - one should always be on the lookout therefore how he fares with his own traits before rectifying mistakes.
hey, ipanema. that's the problem sometimes, 'no? a blunt person is at times misinterpreted. as i have said, glossing over an issue doesnt help. it keeps on repeating, the cycle never ends. it tires me at times hearing the same complaints about somebody when there's no one who cares correcting the issue.
I was very close to her like she's my mom. She's just too sensitive. Not my prob though.
ReplyDeletehmmm.. cant really say anything about it cuz i dont know the story. eneweiz, old people becomes more sensitive as they grow old.
ReplyDelete“I don’t love you if I don’t tell you what’s wrong. That is not the kind of love I give – to let you say and do what is wrong.”
ReplyDeletepowerful quote... i can relate to that. thanks for the inspiring read. :)
glad you enjoyed reading, jepaperts.
ReplyDeleteIf a person feels secure enough in our love and respect, then they'll be able to listen to the hard truth that we're telling them. Deep down, they trust that our motive for telling them is for their own good. Our first job is to love, teaching comes second. And if we love hard enough, you may not even have to teach with words.
ReplyDeletei very much agree, madmuse. it is easier to accept and listen to hurtful words when you know that the motive is for our own good.
ReplyDeletei would like to say the ruth to my dad but am scared he is not that close to me and i dont know how will he act although its not my mistake but am scared and i dono what should i do :(
ReplyDeletemaybe, cherri, ask yourself why you are afraid of him? is there enough reason?
ReplyDeleteif there is enough reason, probably you could talk about it with someone who is closer to you.
I intended. Kneeling vanessa hudgens naked there, i found no problem for you.
ReplyDelete