It will always be better for couples to live apart from in-laws, or relatives. It will always be better not to have their home among or with them. To live as husband and wife without meddlers and influences is like living without restrictions from unwanted people. It is like living spontaneously and peacefully.
Of course, everybody needs somebody. On occasion. But couples do not necessarily need to live with in-laws and relatives to make a successful marriage.
In abnormal situations though, couples have to live with the disadvantages of living among or with them. The task is never ever easy.
Some in-laws eye a wife’s or a husband’s every move. They fault-find and she or he is a prey, often nitpicked because she or he is a stranger in the house or among the group. Often an object of ridicule, the poor wife or husband, tries to win in-laws’ approval or acceptance to no avail. The stranger is left with disappointments that often lead to anger.
There are in-laws, too, who compete for the attention and approval of elders. They work out scheming ways so that their siblings’ wives or husbands, together with their siblings, will be despised by the elders or the parents. Incomprehensible tactics perhaps for others but there are reasons, and one of them is the prized heirloom of the family, or the big favors that can be obtained in the future.
You will be surprised that there are in-laws who will not allow anybody, especially the wives or husbands of their children, or siblings, to outdo, or to overtake them, with the favors awarded (even as simple as food rations), or with the carrying out of responsibilities. They calculate, and they should not be left behind, or overridden. They do not care if others are left behind, or overridden but not them, or else it will be like waging war to them.
A lot of in-laws are cold and unsympathetic, too, because of envy, insecurities, and frustrations. They see something in a son’s wife or a daughter’s husband or a sibling’s wife or husband that is lacking from them. Their incapacity to obtain a valuable possession, for example, leads them to envy and hatred. This therefore results to unwarranted criticisms and character assassinations. Poisonous mouths can kill and so they persist with their relentless attacks.
If you want to know deeper why they are envious and insecure beings, try to background-check. You will discover the many reasons: from their own lives’ frustrations to the many personality deficiencies, from want of attention to avarice of getting everybody’s attention or the prominent figure’s attention, and from simply wanting to compete to dangerously wanting to get rid of anybody in the way.
I know for a fact that not all in-laws are insufferable, cold, and vile. There are always exemptions. And to those who are blessed to live with adorable in-laws, hold them dear to your heart.
I guess it all depends on the type of in-laws one gets. I personally know of some people who actually get along very well with their in-laws while living under the same roof. But then, the house IS quite big so they hardly bump into each other, haha. :-D
ReplyDelete:-O ha ha maybe not that the house is big, they must be adorable people.. there are in-laws talaga na mababait. ako, i dont believe there are perfect in-laws. one way or the other, there are differences. pero may mga in-laws na mas malamang na mabait kaysa salbahe. yun bang tipong ang lumalabas na aura ay maganda.
ReplyDeletecome to think of it, it would not be difficult to live with in-laws if their level of thinking or frame of mind ay nag-ja-jive. dun minsan nagkakatalo,e.
You said it right. I have seen and heard lots of them. That is why after a month I married, I immediately took a loan from SSS and bought my house and lot far away from my parents and my in-laws. So, our lives are ours. We learned life together as couple. Walang nakikialam.
ReplyDeleteBased on what I see, insecurities among in-laws arise due to distrust (baka hindi nito alagaan ang anak ko. mas marunong pa sa anak., fear for the loss of attention or love (baka kalimutan na ako ng anak ko) and financial support or perks that parents normally get from their kids (pag pampered ang magulang ng anak).
Tama ka meron talagang ayaw na ayaw sa yo sa simula pa lang. It takes more than love on your side and time for them to realize your worth as a son in-law or a daughter in-law.
Tama ka rin kung ang in-laws mo ay mabait. Dapat talaga sila pahalagahan at mahalin ng tunay.
This is the problem with extended families. I agree that a couple should separate once they get married no matter how difficult it might be. It will lessen the tension.
ReplyDeleteWhat category do you fall into, Bing? Do you live with your in-laws, or have you separated from them a long time ago?
With the cost of living barely affordable for some newly-married Filipino couples, they often have no other alternative but to live with the in-laws, which oftentimes may not be a comfortable arrangement at all.
ReplyDeleteMabuti na lang I'm far from my in-laws. Because to tell you the truth, I'm not sure how we all would get along. My mother-in-law has told me pointblank that she didn't want me for his son. Of course that was before we were married. But she showed affection to me when she learned that we were having a baby. And then I migrated here in Canada. But that's always in the back of my mind you know. That she wanted somebody else, somebody better? for his son.
ReplyDeleteas always, rolly, a couple can decide freely for their own family without people who meddle. as you said, 'our life is ours'. you are very right about insecurities. the thing that makes one stay is his/her love for his/her partner. ini-extend lang sa in-laws.
ReplyDeletei live near them, doc emer. the place is a compound where relatives live nearby.
very, very true, eric.
if i will be in your place, too, hindi rin mabubura yun, irene unless she tells me pointblank, too, that she was mistaken.
Living minus the in-laws in marriage is the rule of life. When one marries and forms his own family, he/she must separate from his/her parents physically, emotionally and financially - translated - full independence. It is not only a cultural practice of people in the western society, it is also commanded in scripture ( Genesis 2:24). This must be the secret why these countries are prosperous.
ReplyDeleteLiving with my in-laws was never an option for me and hubby. We knew we had to get a place of our own before the wedding plans and all. Although it's worth mentioning that I have adorable in-laws.
ReplyDeleteyou maybe right, bw. in-laws can drag you to poverty, too.
ReplyDeletethat is nice to know. hold them dear, jane
Absolutely Bing, in-laws can drag you to poverty. The simple equation is if you support too many mouths other than your spouse and kids you would have less left for yourself and your own family. Interestingly, western cultures abhor this thought to the max. Some Christian fundamentalists even look at this as "sinning".I would make exception to elderly parents and orphaned relatives
ReplyDelete( children)but anyone of legal age who is not in school must support himself by hook or by crook and not rely on relatives for financial support. If we were to be hyper-critical about this - this is it - the scourge and the curse of our culture, the very thing that brings our economic prosperity down to the gutter and destroys our standard of living.
hi bing! been catching up with your entries. i especially liked "the rule of life : don't feel sorry, don't look back."..... and to add to it, don't worry about the future. it seems i've been caught up disregarding this rule of life recently. time to snap back.
ReplyDeletethat is quite an info, bw. never know of religious groups going down their way to include that as 'sinning'. that to me is parang 'over' naman. each situation has its own reason.
ReplyDeletehi, stranger. i hope that entry had helped eased your anxieties. God bless.
The "sinning" part appears quite controversial but if you were to argue about the bounds of charity vs the tolerance for overdependency or parasitic behaviour, you will find that in many if not most cases, our actions tend to justify the latter.
ReplyDeletewell, yes. we had to draw the line where it is needed. reconsidering the 'sinning' part, i think it is sin when one really becomes a parasite. :-)
ReplyDeleteI think it is really a sin to be a parasite. God gave us almost everything; 'we are created in His likeness and image' as what most religious say and preach.
ReplyDeleteCan you imagine how terrible it is if we connect the parasite to the above statement?
God wouldnt like that. :-) He is a working God. He condemns laziness...
ReplyDeleteI have adorable in-laws. And my parents love my hubby too. Still, it was nice when we went abroad right after we got married. It's always good to be independent after marriage. We appreciate our parents and in-laws better.
ReplyDeletethat is nice, toe. only a few couples experience bliss with in-laws. :-)
ReplyDeletei guess when you get married to someone, you marry the family too. So make sure you wooo them too! :)
ReplyDeleteReminds of a tale about a Li-li who tried to poison her mother-in-law. I think the tale is called "The Chinese Poison". The moral of that story was the person who loves others will be loved in return. So following the golden rule should sort out in-law issues.
“Take me for who I am a compassionate person or an ugly duckling”. I like my privacy. It’s written in black and white before I said, “I do”.
ReplyDeleteWhen you are confronted with the statement, “You’re in-laws are your best friend” – it only means, “try harder and die miserable”. Just imagine the amount of butter required to prove you’re worthy. What a stressful life to continuously live in pretense for some martyrs and unfortunate victims of culture, traditions, and tribal supremacy.
“But I have no choice”, says Maria Clara
“Oh but yes you do Madame. No one is forced to choose between inviting the third party in and being the third party inside the box unless you freely make those choices”.
I still believe in maintaining the solidarity of an extended family, I just don’t believe in squashing everyone in one domain. In web designing, it’s called creating “sub-domains”, organizing and prioritizing the things that matters the most – “The chance to start my own family business”. :)
i guess you are right. it all depends on how we choose the situation to be. but then, there are real situations where it would be inevitable to include the third party or be the third party.
ReplyDeletewhat is important, i think, is to maintain an identity, even in such abnormal situations where you are the third party, or with a third party. one should make everybody around aware of your rights, and afford the respect that should be given.
hey will. not true to all cases. there are impossible people who do not care to appreciate actions like love. these selfish creatures thrive on the disintegration of others.
ReplyDeleteThough I’ve mentioned the “black and white rule of thumb”, I am or can be flexible. Now that you mentioned inevitable circumstances, let me site an example. Say my in-laws particularly the “biyanans” all of sudden became seriously ill, perhaps dying, got their house burned, of course I can’t be selfish to ignore the fact that they need help and support. I will be there for them. There is no argument or questions asked who should take them in or which siblings should be paying portions of the bills incurred. It’s a sacrificial effort that is required not because they’re my husband’s parents and whether I adore them or not. Life does not always offer the green leafy veggies on either side of the fence and some annoyances can be a rewarding challenge. Compassion in this case kicks in.
ReplyDeleteTo live or not to live with my in-laws, a response to your second paragraph and the question is am I financially insufficient to stand up on my own two feet? Is my husband broke; prior or after marriage? Prior, I wouldn’t have married him ha-ha-ha! If we are unable to make ends meet ends; it’s time to use government assisted programs – it’s my right as a citizen. After all the tax money they sucked out me – It’s pay back time. I don’t feel that it is appropriate to burden my parents or his parent of our temporary misfortune when there are other resources available.
My mother in-law was a very accomplished woman, independent, and an inspirational mentor. She was for 22 years battling cancer and still able to maintain a positive outlook in life. She was receiving round the clock in homecare service when the disease finally took over her dignity. My husband and I used to visit her in her huge home every weekend and chatted with her over the phone everyday but most of all to check out whether she was alright or needed anything from the store. She lived not too far away from us. My brief encounter with her was an amicable memoir, blessed her soul and I have no other surviving in-laws left.
you must have lived away from the Philippines for such a long time. it is so common to see scenarios here where newly weds depend on the parents to make it out. shouldnt be the case but they happen. :-)
ReplyDeletehey, i agree with the above writer 100% although not all in-laws are bad, the saying goes: you love people from a distance, but once they're part of your family, you don't love them anymore. believe me, a lot of times, though not all, familiarity breeds contempt, so unless the circumstances call for it(sickness, financial issues, etc.), it's best not to live with in-laws. moreover, one point you forgot to mention here is that when a man has his folks living with him, even if he's got a job and all, mentally, and even sometimes financially, he doesn't grow up to become a man, he stays a boy, since mom and dad are always there to get him out of trouble if something bad happens to him and his wife. it's a complete difference when you've a chance to live as man and wife with your own two kids vs living as man plus wife and kids with his own folks. I'm not filipino, but i'm of east indian background, and in our culture, indian men from idnia almost always always love their parents more than their wives(rather than having a healthy baclance between the two), and so a woman has to live with him and his folks arfter marriage. usuallly, the woman ends up being a slave to his folks, and so that's burdening on her. moreover, you don't get to live as man and wife, but as two roommates. i've personally known and heard of examples where it was so bad for the wife that they had to divorce. thus, even though our arranged mariages work, it usually comes at the woman's expense, since she's at two people's control: her husband and her wife. Thus, many men from india don't want a wife, they want a slave. don't live with in-laws. it's better not to, trust me.
ReplyDeleteei, shelley. that was a nice piece of thought from someone of a different culture. it is a sad thought that wives are meant to be slaves as you have stated. i would definitely not succumb to such a situation. not my type to subject myself to that kind of a scenario where i will be a slave to my husband.
ReplyDeletethanks for sharing your thoughts. appreciate it. :-)