Letting the Guard Down

Image from this site.

I seldom get angry, and I don’t want to be angry. And besides, angry, for me, like hate, is such a strong word. Nobody likes an angry person, especially when it is me who is angry.

Last night, I was angry. I regret that I let my guard down by being angry, and worst, in front of my children. It was not a good feeling to realize that they saw me when I was very angry at Papsie. Usually, I would just shrug off an issue, and not give in to anger, or that public display of extreme annoyance. But last night it was different. I totally forgot they were there.

As I pondered, I remembered Papsie saying that the words he said to me (which Papsie said was mere mention, o napag-uusapan lang) was not intended to get me angry. I asked what the intention was and he told me there was not any. That to me is unbelievable. This chunk of wits that I have cannot understand that a person will utter words without thinking about the consequences and with no objective at all. Those words he hurled at me were not even true and yet he tossed them at me and even sought the approval of my kids. It was like telling me I was really at fault the other day.

It was not nice that my daughter butted in on the conversation and hurled at me the same words in total agreement to what her father said. At first, I was simply defending myself but my husband and my daughter did not stop the mockery. Later on, my son joined the exchange. (Poor kid and he thought this was just plain teasing!) I felt helpless, annoyed, and mobbed (with only the three of them?). I was at the top of my voice when I said repeatedly, “Tumigil ka na. Huwag mo na akong kausapin. Huwag ka nang magsalita. (Stop. Don’t talk to me anymore. Don’t talk anymore.)” Everybody was silent when tears ran down my face. I guess, at that time, I felt it is better to cry than say anything that would jeopardize more the already injured situation.

I am writing this down with thoughts of why I really got angry. Surely it was not because my daughter sided with Papsie (that is childish), or because I seemed to be overthrown or defeated in the argument (that, too, is childish). It maybe that there was a precedence before this situation came up. Or it was probably because I wanted to reprimand Papsie for the accusation but I couldn’t because I was not sure I could deliver the right words when I am angry. I was afraid that would give a different impression to my kids and misinterpret my words. (God, I was so helpless!) This is the reason I was insistent that matters between me and Papsie should be resolved with only the two of us around. Nevertheless even without the many words I wanted to say I know I cannot take back the hurt that my display of anger had portrayed.