Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Not a Baby Anymore



JS Prom Photos, 4th year HS and 3rd year HS.

As she whines about her recent JS Prom photo, I cannot help recall the times when she was just but a small kid who likes to complain. Even when she was still very young, about four to five, she has that strong character of articulating what she feels.

I will never tire of appreciating how she had grown to be – assertive, strong-willed to the point of being stubborn, independent, and always tries to be on top of everything she does.

And sometimes I am afraid. Afraid for her – of being hurt, of being rejected, of being crossed, and of being treated with indifference, I get so petrified that sometimes I overdo the role as a mother.

She is not a baby anymore. A budding young woman with many dreams, she aspires to get a nice job someday and to bring Papsie to the US. And guess what she wants to spend her first earnings for? A dog. Yes, a dog to which her grandmother rebuked by telling her to buy a house first before the dog.

Not a Baby Anymore



JS Prom Photos, 4th year HS and 3rd year HS.

As she whines about her recent JS Prom photo, I cannot help recall the times when she was just but a small kid who likes to complain. Even when she was still very young, about four to five, she has that strong character of articulating what she feels.

I will never tire of appreciating how she had grown to be – assertive, strong-willed to the point of being stubborn, independent, and always tries to be on top of everything she does.

And sometimes I am afraid. Afraid for her – of being hurt, of being rejected, of being crossed, and of being treated with indifference, I get so petrified that sometimes I overdo the role as a mother.

She is not a baby anymore. A budding young woman with many dreams, she aspires to get a nice job someday and to bring Papsie to the US. And guess what she wants to spend her first earnings for? A dog. Yes, a dog to which her grandmother rebuked by telling her to buy a house first before the dog.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Tampo

Noong isang araw, nagtampo na ako sa ‘yo. Ngayon nagtatampo na naman.Me dahilan ba ako na magtampo? Sa palagay ko, meron naman.

Ang unang tampo ko: Gutum na gutom ako pagdating sa office noong isang araw. Pagdating sa kantina, wala akong nagustuhang pagkain. Bigla ko tuloy naisip na kung ipinaghahanda mo ako ng almusal, wala sigurong problema. Mabibilang ko kasi ang mga sandali na ipinaghahanda mo ako ng almusal. E, bakit nga ba ganun? Naisip ko marahil alam mong di ako kumakain nang maaga. Naisip ko rin, alam mong kaya ko kasing gumawa ng paraan sa mga simpleng bagay na ito. Simple nga lang pala ito.

Ang sumunod na tampo: Kahapon, Sabado, halos buong araw akong naglaba. Ngayon ay Linggo, nagbabanlaw pa rin. Ako pa rin ang maghuhugas ng plato kasi kakahiya naman sa dalaginding ko na pinaghugas mo ng katakot-takot na hugasin kaninang umaga. Ang iskedyul niya ay ngayong gabi sana. Inako ko na ang iskedyul niya ngayon. Kaya lang nang hilingin ko sa iyo na imisin ang mesang pinagkainan ipinasa mo na naman sa ating anak. Sobra talaga akong nainis kasi buong araw kang nasa labas para magmahjong o magmiron sa mahjong. Papasok ka lang para magluto ng ulam. Simpleng hiling hindi mo mapagbigyan. Pakiramdam ko e wala kang kagana-gana pag nasa loob ng bahay. At ke sigla-sigla naman pag kasama mo ang iyong mga barkada. At bakit parang di ko naririnig ang reklamo mong masakit na mga kasu-kasuuan pag nasa labas ka? Hindi simple ito kaya di na ako nakapagpigil sa pagsasalita.

Lilipas din naman ang mga tampong ito.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Mga Pagbabago



Kakatuwa talaga ang mga pagbabago sa bunso ko. Isa sa napansin ko ay ang mga kinakain niya. Hindi kasi siya kumakain ng gulay. Pero ngayon, kumakain na siya kahit di man ganoon karami. At flattered ako kasi karamihan ng kinakain niyang pagkain na may lahok na gulay e luto ko.Isa rin sa pagbabago niya e ang hindi na pagsimangot pag sunud-sunod ang utos ng kanyang lola.

Meron pa rin palang isa, kumakain na siya ng ‘normal’ na lunch pag nasa school: kanin at ulam. Hinto na muna raw ang kanyang pag-iipon. Gusto raw niya ulit kumain ng lunch na kanin at ulam. Siguro kung noon pa niya ginagawa ito, ang taba na niya lalo. Sana huwag mawili at baka lalong tumaba.

Reminiscence



artwork by Norma Marquez Orozco / work title / 02.Woman walking

Like Will, I like songs that are sad but beautiful. Most of these, for me, are acoustic songs that do not need electronic amplification. I remember one time, as I heard this from my daughter’s collections; I was drawn to a song of Moonstar 88, a local band in the Philippines, that sing songs dramatically and applicably. You will notice that some parts are repeated often making it easier for the listeners to remember them easily. And hey, acoustic songs are those remarkably called folk songs.


I'm Sorry
Moonstar88
I'm on my way
With my roses and box full of sweets
I had it all, memorized the lines in my head
Thinking I'd be winning your smile
Once again

heeey...


But when I saw you
I realized how I am ashamed of myself
My mouth has failed to say the things
I just can't express
Afraid to say things I might regret

heeey...


Chorus:
What is there to do when
I did something wrong
I didn't mean to hurt you but it took so long
To say I'm sorry I'm sorry

Say you won't ever leave me down
Say you won't ever leave me down
Say you won't ever leave me down
I'm sorry

Repeat Chorus

Say you won't ever leave me down
Say you won't
Say you won't
Say you won't ever leave me down
Say you won't ever leave me down
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

The Love of a Father

On the way to work, inside the car, as Papsie and I were talking about things, he mentioned that Kay’s special friend asks for a car as graduation gift. I cried a big “What? A car?!?” And as confirmation, Papsie nodded adding that they can afford it because the parents’ business is doing well.

I could not welcome the idea. A car for a gift is too swell for me – and to be given to my children as a gift. Even if I had zillions of money, it would not cross my mind giving that kind of a gift to teens.

Papsie disagreed and told me that if he is wealthy enough, he would give that kind of a gift, too, agreeing to the idea. If he can afford, according to him to give expensive gifts, he would do it. “But not that expensive. I think it is not right to make things so easy for the kids to acquire,” I argued.

I continued justifying my belief that it would not teach a young adult the value of working for something they want or working for a goal. In my mind, which I dismissed to verbalize, what would such gift recompense? Is it because the young adult was able to graduate (even with honors)? Isn’t that part of the package? To finish school and the diploma is the gift? For me, a posh gift is unnecessary. Giving in to capriciousness will only weaken the values that we, parents, wanted our children to learn.

But not for Papsie. He will do and give EVERYTHING for his beloved ones. It is such regret for him not being able to do something about it. He feels sorry that he could not in any way do something that grand. He emphasized, too, in retaliation to what I murmured that there are a lot of kids not having so much and is living to only what is at hand, “It is not our problem if others cannot do it, or if they cannot afford doing it. It is not our fault.”

I resigned with a sigh and then thought, “If I am really, really rich, will I give in to my kids’ gratuitous wishes?”

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Stark Reality

The JS Prom last February 15 was held at the Manila Hotel. Last year when Kay was a junior, this is also where the JS prom was set out. But unlike last year, we opted to stay until the event was over. Well, we are on our goal to minimize expenses, and that includes gasoline expenses.

Papsie and I hiked along the bay area near the hotel. It was not a surprise to me seeing lovers in almost every nook but the increased number of vagabonds in the area added to my already disappointed impression of my own country. Even sacks (which can be used to be placed on the stone seats or the grasses) were sold to how much I don’t know. Peddlers also increased in number, and even dirty, and barefooted little children wandered aimlessly along the area. We were approached by a boy who introduced himself as a high school student. He talked good but was not able to persuade us to buy religious small pictures which are, according to him, from a church project to help indigent students in their schooling.

Back to the hotel, the crowd at the lobby diminished. My eyes roamed and saw a number of Koreans arriving. For a time, I was caught by the noise of the group which was not even comprehensible. They looked friendly and though Papsie wanted to befriend them, I discouraged him because it was not possible. The language barrier will not make his experience enjoyable and I was really apprehensive how he could not restrain himself from giggling.

At the far end of the lobby in front of the area where the musicians stay, my eyes caught a glimpse of a woman, who appeared to me at first as a child cuddled by her father but came out to be a woman seated on the lap of a big American. Across, another woman, very thin and pale, was with them. It was then I realized that the woman on the lap had thick, permed and highlighted hair and wore low-waisted pants exposing the bony buttocks. When they stood up to go somewhere, I noticed that she was just half the height of the American (probably 6’1”). She was also thin like the other woman but with upper bumpers that jiggled when she walked. She is neither pretty nor sophisticated.

My eyes again caught a pair – another American, which is smaller in height, and a Filipina, which appeared tall to me because she was of the same height with the American. They looked sweethearts to me. Holding hands, they kissed once in a while. Then the first American with the two Filipinas came and greeted the couple. Then it made me wonder if that tall Filipina is also one of those two. But she seemed to be different because of her simplicity – no excessive make up, no frills, nothing to tell that she is a hooker. She was clad in maong jeans and a blouse topped by a dark blue petite green blazer.

Hours passed, and at about past 10 PM, I noticed a group of girls in their teens, with ages that of Kay’s (15-16), who took their seats on the big cushioned sofa. They were dressed simply; almost everybody was in maong and white shirts. Only one had a maong jacket and the prettiest among the group. They don’t appear confident but looked rather timid. Then I thought perhaps they were waiting for their friends from the JS prom. Minutes later, I saw them talking to a group of Koreans their ages older, or probably more. One of them who seemed to be the pimp (it was only then I noticed she's not a teenager) talked to one of the Koreans. I can’t believe that I was witnessing something like that – young girls being bargained to foreigners – or how young girls appeared to be being sold. Then one by one each Korean had partners.

Though I know that prostitution proliferates in commercial establishments like hotels, it is like a bombshell to be faced with such stark reality. I may be over-reacting but it somehow caused gloom within me. The girls were very young and it was so heartbreaking that it seemed an ordinary scene in an elegant hotel such as Manila hotel.

The music overwhelmed the feeling of sadness and anger at the same time with the truth laid bare and pointing a finger to everybody – the flesh trade which victims are becoming younger as generations pass.

Monday, February 13, 2006

What We Talk about When We Talk about Love

When Girl A met this guy, she tried to avoid him because she wanted a man more intelligent than she is (an engineer and a board passer), more handsome than her former boyfriend, and who is very kind. This guy was a mere machine operator, not intelligent but attractive. Girl A was of age that time. Being not pretty but has fair skin, Girl A was pursued by the guy and they soon became husband and wife. They had a son. Months after their wedding, the guy who became the husband, approached one of Girl A’s friends and complained of her being a prima donna. Girl A, on the other hand, related about her husband’s stupidity.

Girl B was a hot girlie often falling in love with the wrong person. She had a boyfriend pampered with her gifts. On her boyfriend’s birthday, she gave a branded pair of rubber shoes. Then she asked for a date the following day. The boyfriend waited for her impatiently and when Girl B tried to pacify him, she was yelled at and was not allowed to hold his hand. When the crowd begins to accumulate, the boyfriend acted more like they have no relation.

Boy A was an ordinary looking guy who wants to believe that girls were after him. At a restaurant on a night out, he was able to get the name of one of the waitresses. Once, he had three girlfriends at a time: a nurse, a factory worker and a factory piece-worker. On Valentine’s day, his friends were shocked to see him carrying a big bouquet of white roses. Knowing him as tight-fisted, the friends asked him what he had eaten or if he was sick, buying a big bouquet. Then he told them to wait and see. After a while, he grouped the flowers into three, wrapped them separately and tagged each with a card with the names of his girlfriends.

Boy B is a married man. Nice, tall and handsome, he was the crush of many. Even when he yawns, the girls swooned by the handsomeness. He seemed to be a good husband because from work, he went straight home, and vice versa. There was a talk that he was having an affair with one of the girlies in the office. Some of his friends did not believe it. Not until after months, he called a friend and wanted to end his life because he fell in love with somebody (not his wife, of course) and that somebody dumped him. He did not pursue the attempt.

It is impossible to love and be wise.

Francis Bacon (1561 - 1626)
English philosopher, statesman, and lawyer.

HAPPY HEART’S DAY!!!!!!

Friday, February 10, 2006

Familiarity Breeds Complacency, or Contempt?

Tell me.

Do you feel happy now being in the same situation, doing the same routine, and going through the familiar activities and events? Are you smug enough to change the situation, modify the routine, or hold back for a moment and just let the day go by not attempting to change the familiar activities and events?

Or…

Do you hate smelling the same smell, seeing the same place, savor the same food, or suffer the same condition? Do you feel retired of the whole thing and the whole situation ahead?

Sometimes when one gets used to a particular situation, for example, one tends to be complacent. There would be no difficulty of course dealing with new and strange procedures, or with unfamiliar faces or person, or with unknown systems. Solving a predicament will be trouble-free because one is familiar with almost everything.

But oftentimes, familiarity breeds contempt. One gets bored with the things that are often encountered, and usually, the same things that are no different than the former or the foregoing. One gets to hate the customary chain of events resulting to inefficiency or ineffectuality. One gets jaded that he fails to maintain being a positive person and becomes one feeble being.

I’d like to know.

Are you so satisfied? Or consider this strange familiarity with utter disgust?

Thursday, February 9, 2006

Kuripot

Naku, ang batang ito! Pambili lang ng biscuit sa halagang P20 e hihingin pa sa ama niya. Nakaipon na ‘yan ng mahigit isang libo ngayong quarter na ito. Nagpapautang naman. Dapat ka nga lang magbayad. At wala siyang pakialam kung ikaw ba ang ama, o ina, o ate niya, basta magbayad ka ng utang mo.Ganyan si Daryl ko. Pero mabait na bata. Ayaw ng gulo, ayaw ng may nagagalit sa kanya. Napakadaling manghingi ng sorry. Pero makunat. Nakasimangot ang pera pag inilalabas (maliban sa hindi maayos na pagkakalagay nito sa kanyang pitaka). Pero lambingin mo lamang, bibigaay din naman.

Ngunit sa ilang puna tungkol sa kanya, higit pa rin ang mga magagandang katangian. Napakalambing po niya at makuwento tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay sa buhay. Kapag kausap mo siya, para bang isang mama ang kausap mo. Hindi ka nakikipag-usap sa isang 13 taong gulang na bata.

Kuripot mang matatawag, siya pa rin ang anak kong napakabait.

Wednesday, February 8, 2006

Sa Araw ng mga Puso

Pagsaluhan natin itong tamis
Ng pag-ibig
Tayo ay magtampisaw sa batis
Ng pagsinta
Muli’t muli ay damhin ang init
Aking yakap,
Aking halik, aking pagmamahal,
O irog ko


Ako’y lunurin sa ‘yong pagsinta,
Aking mahal,
At ating kalimutan sandali
Itong mundo


Pagsaluhan nating itong nektar
Ng pag-ibig
Tayo’y mabuhay sa tamis nito
Habambuhay

Korni ang pag-ibig ayon sa ‘yo. Pero ayon din sa ‘yo, ito ang dahilan kung bakit ang sarap umibig. Kung baga sa rekado, ang kakornihan ang isa sa ingredyente ng matamis at masarap na pagmamahalan.

Hindi naman natin ipinapahayag ang ating pag-ibig sa ganitong paraan. Simpleng pagsasabi lang ng ‘I love you’ ang karaniwan nating ginagawa. Siyempre may kasama itong haplos sa ulo, at sa kung saan-saan pang parte. May kasama rin itong kindat na madalas ay nangangahulugan ng mas matindi pang pangyayari. May kasama rin itong malagkit na tingin na alam ko na kung ano ang ibig sabihin. May kasama rin madalas itong halik o mga halik, minsan ay dampi lamang at minsan naman ay matindi.

Hindi lumilipas ang araw na hindi mo sinasabi na ako ay mahal mo, o di kaya, ipinapadama man lamang. Hindi ba tayo nagkakasawaan? Palagay ko ay hindi. Hindi lamang naman kasi kita kabiyak ng puso. Totoo lahat ng deskripsyon sa pamagat ng blog na ito. Higit ka pa sa isang kabiyak ng puso. At sana ay gayon din ako sa iyo.

Sunday, February 5, 2006

Compadrazgo


The above excerpt is a Latin-American tradition which is also common in the Philippine society. In the Philippines, godparents are also expected to perform religious education for their godchild. They become second parents to the child. At least for some. But most of the time, godparents are chosen as those who can provide for the economic necessities of the ritual or the relationship.

Being a godparent before, as I have observed, was a careful consideration. That is why most of the time, those who are taken into account are aunts, uncles or close friends. Generally before, one male godparent and one female godparent are enough for the baptism ritual. Today, however, I have noticed that godparents aside from being many (as much as 20), are not even close friends or relatives. But collectively, these godparents maybe politicians (including barangay captains), businessmen, actors/actresses (including starlets), individuals with key positions in a company (including supervisors), or those who have the capability to share financially.

I have a friend who narrates his experience in the church, during the baptism ceremony, wherein the godparents are to place their hands on the baby's or the child's forehead. They were 8 pairs, that means 16 in all, and the others weren't able to participate because there was no space to touch the child's forehead. My friend end up joking that when the ceremony was over, the poor child's forehead had a dent left by the many fingers and hands that touched it.

Relatively, parents had these intentions to generate income out of their child's baptism. The old representation of godparents is obliterated by the fact that such ritual is considered as means to collect money, and also with the intention of being popular because a well-known or recognized person is in the list of their child's godparents. Talk about hypocrisy, too.

This does not happen to the well-off only, which some have intentions of business opportunities or the strengthening of ties for economic motives, but mostly among the lesser than the affluent. It may not be true to everybody but with the situation in the Philippines, it is likely that this happens to the greater part of the population that follows the Christian baptism.

Thursday, February 2, 2006

Dahil sa Iyo

Minsan nagtatampo ako sa iyo. Dati-rati kasi hindi tumataas ang boses mo pag ako ang kaharap mo. Likas na sa iyo ang magtaas ng boses, alam ko. Pero hindi sa harap ko.



Ngayon e madalas kung naririnig iyon. Alam kong nagkakaedad na tayo kaya lang hindi talaga ako sanay. Kadalasan kasi kapag ako ay nasa tabi mo o nasa paligid at natatanaw mo, nungkang magtaas ang boses mo kahit na mainit ang ulo mo. Wala na ba akong karisma ngayon?Madalas rin ay natatabig ng kaliwa mong braso, o kamay, o paa ang mga bagay-bagay. Dahilan ito para ang mga ito ay mabasag o masira o bumagsak. Nakakangilo ang mga sumusunod pang eksena. Tama nga si Nanay, minsan nga e nakakabuwisit. Para kasing me kasalanan din ang mga nakapaligid. Nariyang nagmumura ka na, o sumisigaw ng di mawawaan, o lalong nagdadabog.

Alam kong hindi madali ang ma-i-stroke. Hindi rin madaling tanggapin ang sitwasyon. Pero 17 taon na ang nakaraan. Ang akala ko ay natanggap mo na.

Sana ang halakhak mo habang kasama mo ang mga ka-madyong mo e katulad din palagi ng halakhak mo pag nasa loob ka na ng ating munting tahanan. Sana hindi ka madaling mag-init ang ulo dahil lamang hindi mo magawa nang mabilis ang mga gawain. Sana ay palagi kang nakangiti. O palaging masaya. O palaging humahagalpak sa tawa. Sana ay sapat na kami para ikaw ay maging maligaya.

Nais kong isipin mo na hindi totoong wala kang halaga o wala kang nagagawa o wala kang kontribusyon. Hindi totoo iyon. Alam ng mga anak mo kung ano ang mga ginagawa mo para sa kanila kahit na nasa ganyan kang kalagayan. Hindi ito palakihan ng kontribusyon o naibibigay na pera o materyal ma bagay. Ang nakikita namin ay higit pa – ang iyong pagmamahal sa amin, ang pagkalinga sa likod ng kapansanan.

Dahil sa iyo kaya kami nagpapatuloy sa buhay. Dahil sa iyo kaya kami nabubuo. Dahil sa iyo kaya kami ay masaya at nangangarap.

Palagi na lamang

Matangkad si ***. Siguro mga 5’9” ang taas. Malaki pa ang katawan. Pero tumitiklop kay Kay. Ang taray naman kasi ng isang ito. Madalas nga e naririnig ko ang mataas na tono ng boses niya pag kausap sa telepono si ***.Pinalampas ko ang maraming beses na naririnig kong ganoong klase ng pakikipag-usap. Pero kagabi, hindi ko kinaya. Kinausap ko si Kay pagkababa niya mula sa kanyang kwarto. Sinabi ko na hindi ko gusto ang pagtrato niya kay ***. Hindi lang naman sila magkaibigan, higit pa sa kaibigan. Kung ang kaibigan e iniingatan, hindi ba mas higit na dapat ingatan ang mga taong higit pa sa kaibigan?

Isa pa sa ayaw ko e ang isipin ni *** na pinapalaki ko si Kay nang ganoon. Baka sabihin e ganoon ang pagtrato ko sa anak ko – binubulyawan, tinatarayan, sinasaktan ang damdamin. Baka mamaya gawin din sa kanya iyon balang araw kung sila ang magkatuluyan.

Kaya nga hayun at hindi ko pinalampas! Pinagsabihan ko. Sabi nga ni Daryl, e para raw na-badtrip ang ate niya. Wala akong magagawa, wika ko, dahil hindi ko talaga kayang palampasin ang mali. At isa pa, ugali ko na na ituwid ang pagkakamali nila dahil yun ay pagpapatunay na mahal ko sila.

It Never Rains But It Pours

(a work of fiction)

After many years of being friends, and being each other’s half, Paz is having a difficult time now understanding Enrico’s fits of temper. Sometimes she feels guilty if the fault is with her keeping an eye on the many minor things around the household. She gets irritated by his constant whining about his unemployment. It almost gets to the brim when he raises his voice about his inadequacy to assist in the resolution of domestic matters.

It does not help at all, this complaining. Enrico talks a lot about his incapacity. It drowns her, it weakens her, and it kills her, inside.

Lately, Enrico becomes more exasperated blaming himself again because of the bills and household expenditures that are accumulating. He tells Paz that he is inutile, just waiting for the time of his life, and then dies. He can die anytime, he tells Paz, because he is not contributing to the betterment of their lives.

Enrico is selfish. Paz looks at the whole thing as pride, which is not pride at all, but arrogance. The whining and the constant self-pity are pitiful, but it is more hurtful and disturbing. The weight of the situation is on her. While she thinks of means to solve their problems, or pay the bills and the other expenses, Enrico surrenders by complaining.

Dazed, Paz recalls the yesterday where her husband was a responsible, principled young man. Not until a very sad event happened where Enrico was involved in an anomalous scandal in the office where he worked. It was like everything came to an end. “But we cannot bring back time, even if we cry our eyes out. We must do something, together, as husband and wife,” she cries silently.

Up to this time, Enrico clings to his torment, unaware that he is killing the love that once flourished bit by bit. All of Paz’s thoughtful concerns towards him seem to be drawing to a close, becoming thinner and rigid as a result. The union that gives the impression as irreplaceable, unbreakable, and stable will now give doubt that love surpasses the test of time. That is if Paz gives in. But she endures up to this time without love’s great beauty.

How well she copes with everything is by far admirable. The absence of love and the activity where one expresses the intensity of love does not even reflect in her carefree demeanor. She is second to none concealing her aches. But until when will she be eager to go through it all?



What is now proved was once, only imagin'd.

William Blake (1757 - 1827)